Shattered Planes Archives (Seasons 4 & 5)
The Board => Archive => Void => Topic started by: Ragnar the Red on December 28, 2010, 11:34:31 AM
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So, how does this work?
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Go find what you believe is your best and worst posts as far as literacy goes. Copy and paste them here.
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Here's a better one.
"Give me one second, " Nik said just before darting out of the tank and down the street. He didn't know if it was just a hallucination. He didn't care. He just had to get to her. He could swear he had seen her slip into an alleyway. He had to make thing right. He was now on a bridge, and she was standing in front of him.
"What is it," He asked her.
"It's my father," she answered. "He came to me yesterday and told me to leave the city because everyone would die. I told him to leave. He never loved me anyway, and I don't trust him, but I'm still scared."
"Don't worry about it," Nik replied. "Charly, why would all these people die? And also how could he know?"
"Maybe some epidemic? He is a huge part of a Pharmaceutical company," Charly replied. She looked like she may begin to cry.
Nik hugged her, and reassured her that everything would be alright. After a little bit he asked her, "So are you leaving?"
She looked at him and a faint smile began to stream across her face. "Never," was her response. Her phone rang, and she had to go. That was the last time Nik saw her before the outbreak. Six months later he was running after her, and as he turned to run down the ally, he tripped on the curb. When he looked up, there was nothing in the ally save a dumpster. He has skimmed his elbow, and his singed hand. Just when he himself was about to break down, he heard a faint whimper. Something wet slid across his ear. He looked up into the eyes of a German Shepard.
This one seems too rushed
Nik ran out of the rubble, holding something in his hand: one of the Technocell remote bombs. He ran and ran through from cover to cover until he reached the Technocell tank's rear end. He jumped upon it and wrenched open the hatch, and then tossed it inside. The crew tried to get it back out, but Nik was to fast. He stood on the hatch so they couldn't push it open. His idea just might work. He pulled out his camera phone, witch had no bars as usual. But never the less, he tried to make a call. The cellphone signals tried desperately to find a transmission point to complete the call. They found a bomb. The tank (being designed to hold out explosions for the safety of the crew) held in the explosion to the safety of Nik. He did fall down as the Tank shook, but sustained no more major injuries. He ran back to his families new tank and hoped in. "How was that?" he asked Zak.
This one I guess would be too short. I also misspelled slushy.
They found Nik by the slushie machine looking for a paper cup. When he saw them, he asked, "What the h*** were you doing."
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Alright. Next, I want you to go through your best and find any and all issues you can. There are a few, so if you find less than 2, you're missing something.
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Are they grammatical errors associated with writing, or the specific category of Rping?
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Every error or bad thing you can find.
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Does the "Never" line count? I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote it either....
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The entire thing.
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What do you mean by that? The entire thing is problematic as in I have structural problems?
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I'm trying to say, proofread the post(s).
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and I don't trust him, but I'm still scared."
Are you counting that run on sentence? Because it's in quotations.
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Dialogue is one of the few places where most grammar rules don't really apply.
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I know, I was just curious if you counted that.
She looked like she may begin to cry.
Is something wrong with this sentence?
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That's for you to tell me.
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Would instead of may for that sentence.
That fix anything?
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Repost the post, with the problems in red. Coulda sworn I'd said that early on. lol Guess not though.
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"Give me one second, " Nik said just before darting out of the tank and down the street. He didn't know if it was just a hallucination. He didn't care. He just had to get to her. He could swear he had seen her slip into an alleyway. He had to make thing right. He was now on a bridge, and she was standing in front of him.
"What is it," He asked her.
"It's my father," she answered. "He came to me yesterday and told me to leave the city because everyone would die. I told him to leave. He never loved me anyway, and I don't trust him, but I'm still scared."
"Don't worry about it," Nik replied. "Charly, why would all these people die? And also how could he know?"
"Maybe some epidemic? He is a huge part of a Pharmaceutical company," Charly replied. She looked like she may begin to cry.
Nik hugged her, and reassured her that everything would be alright. After a little bit he asked her, "So are you leaving?"
She looked at him and a faint smile began to stream across her face. "Never," was her response. Her phone rang, and she had to go. That was the last time Nik saw her before the outbreak. Six months later he was running after her, and as he turned to run down the ally, he tripped on the curb. When he looked up, there was nothing in the ally save a dumpster. He has skimmed his elbow, and his singed hand. Just when he himself was about to break down, he heard a faint whimper. Something wet slid across his ear. He looked up into the eyes of a German Shepard.
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So much for putting the problems in red. lol
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Did you forget what the problems were?
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I wasn't looking to weed out the problems, I was looking to find out exactly what problems you recognized, so I knew where you stand right now. Highlighting your corrections in red just makes it quicker.
EDIT: Hate to say it dude, but I only saw one change between them. Seems we've got a long way to go.
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Then we best get started!
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First off is spelling and grammar. You've got capitalization down, using the right contractions. But apparently your plurals are off.
He had to make thing right.
And in regards to dialogue, you only use a comma at the end of it if you're ending the dialogue in mid sentence. So...
"What is it," He asked her.
This does not work. Instead of the comma, you should have a question mark there.
"It's my father," she answered. "He came to me yesterday and told me to leave the city because everyone would die.
This almost works. If you use a comma to end dialogue like you did between that first pair of quotation marks, when you restart the dialogue you don't have the first letter capitalized. So the quoted bit would become:
"It's my father," she answered. "he came to me yesterday and told me to leave the city because everyone would die.
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The first ones a typo. I don't know how I missed it, and I feel really stupid right now. :-[
Yeah, that makes sense too. I guess my main flaw in regards to grammar is obliviousness.
As for the last one, I disagree. It is two sentences, and two complete thoughts. "It's my father," she answered. is one, and "He came to me yesterday and told me to leave the city because everyone would die. is another. If I had said "It's my father," she answered, "He came to me yesterday and told me to leave the city because everyone would die. things would be different, but I haven't.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/quotation.htm
Be careful, though, to begin a new sentence after the attribution if sense calls for it:
* "I don't care," she said. "What do you think?"
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If that's the case, then wouldn't you have wanted a period instead of the comma after father?
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Nope.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/quotation.htm
* "I don't care," she said. "What do you think?"
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...Alright.
/me was expecting you to have a lot more issues and a lot less resources for figuring it out yourself.
Next up is flow. Try reading it aloud, recording yourself if you can. If something sounds off, post it and I'll help you make it flow better.
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I'll do it when I get a chance. I'm getting crammed with midterm assignments.
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Alright.
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The "good" paragraph has pretty boring diction.
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Something else you might be interested in:
Unjustified
The Hunt
I?ve always hated getting up early, but waking to see someone?s eternal slumber is just painful. I don?t think I?d even be able to do it without my double shot of instant espresso. Unfortunately for me, murder loves the cover of night. My name is Robert Jenkins. I?m a lieutenant in the New Los Angeles Police Department. My job is to investigate crime. This is the story of my failure.
Crime scenes aren?t hard to miss. A dozen police vehicles sitting around with lights flashing pretty much gives it away. Like the press we huddle around a single person, grasping for intel.
The victim looks inhuman. A blond lady with mangled bones, and more dried blood than you?d think could have even fit in her veins. As cops we learn to control and contain our emotion, but the fact is that every body haunts us.
?What?s happened?? I ask Diana my colleague in the forensics department.
?She fell from the roof head first. It shattered most of, well, everything above the waist. The thing that interests me though is her calves. They?re bruised,? she answered.
?She committed suicide,? butted in Rickey as he walked on over. No one can stand Rickey. He?s one of those people who thinks he?s better than you just because he has a higher rank. ?Probably had an abusive husband or boyfriend, which explains the bruises.?
?No it doesn?t,? I interjected. ?Why would an abusive lover only hit the calves? Sure we can?t check for bruising on her face, but even so. The rest of her legs aren?t bruised.?
?The bruises look like they were caused just before she died,? explained Diana. ?I?m guessing from being scraped along the roof ledge.?
?So?? asked Rickey. ?What difference does it make??
?The difference?? exclaimed Diana. ?The difference is she was murdered.?
The office is always cold, but there?s an extra chill whenever we run a DNA test. None of us cops joined the force for the victims. We joined for the justice. As I wait for the name of the murdered with the Chief, the air never warms up.
?Her name is Kristen Johnson. She works in Macrosoft I.T.,? Diana said as she walked in and handed Chief a file folder. ?She was filing a law suit against Albert Hews.?
?Albert Hews?? the Chief asked with doubt. Hews was somewhat of a local celebrity. He played the leading role in the sit-com Retirement Home, and was apparently engaged. The thing is he got cold feet at the last second and dumped his girlfriend and four-year-old kid on the street last minute.
?Yep,? Diana answered. ?Kristen?s sister was Hews? fianc?e.?
?Anything else?? the Chief asked.
?I found some fingerprints on her neck,? Diana answered. ?I?m running them through the database now.?
?Well done. I?ll have Rickey notify the family,? the Chief replied. I?m just glad he didn?t choose me. Notifying the family is one of the worst parts about being a cop.
?Rob,? Chief interjected. ?You interview Hews.?
Interviewing a suspect is like a game. Sometimes you come across players that are better than you, and often you lose. The thing is the game is not about winning or losing. It?s about how long you play. Knock, knock, knock, and the dice are rolled.
An extra large body guard answers the door. ?Who are you?? he asked.
?NLAPD,? I said while showing him my badge. ?May I speak to Mr. Hews??
?Oh, let me go get him,? he answered just before disappearing into the house. A few minutes later a man in pajama pants and an undershirt came to the door.
?What do you want,? he said with a frustrated tone.
?I?d like to ask you a few questions about Kristen Johnson,? I informed. ?May I step in??
?Absolutely not! You want behind this door, you?re gonna need a search warrant,? he threatened.
?Alright,? I said calmly. ?When did you last see Ms. Johnson??
?Last night,? he answered. ?I met with her in a bar downtown to try and negotiate her dropping the lawsuit.?
?What happened?? I shot out.
?Eh, her demands were too high,? he answered. ?The problem is she doesn?t just want money. She wants me to learn a lesson. A hard lesson.?
?Hmm,? I responded. ?Did the bar you met at happen to be called The White Sunflower??
?Yeah, I think so,? he replied.
?So, her wanting to punish you, is that why you killed her?? I asked.
?Killed her? What!? he exclaimed. ?She?s not dead! She can?t be.?
?I?m afraid she is. Her body was found in the alley right outside The White Sunflower,? I confirmed. ?She was thrown from the roof.?
?I, I,? he tried to say. ?I just can?t believe it.?
?Well Mr. Hews, believe it,? I said. ?She?s dead and you had both motive and opportunity.?
?But I didn?t do it,? he claimed. I can hear desperation in his voice. I don?t think he did it at this point, but letting him think I do can give me more information.
?When I left, there was another guy who started talking to her. He was a kind of thin guy with dark hair and a pointy chin. It was probably him!?
At this point I just smile and say, ?Thank you for your time. Don?t leave town.?
A lot can happen when you?re out of the police station. When I was questioning Hews three more suspects were found from the sister?s testimony. One of them, Marcus Daily, matches Hews? description. The problem is, as the case often is, someone is lying. Marcus, someone who used to work for Macrosoft until Kristen Johnson exposed him for disorderly conduct, claims he was just talking to her about returning some hard drives he had stolen from her office when he was fired. He also claims he saw Hews and Johnson leaving together around 11:30. The bartender conveniently was on a bathroom break when they left, and cannot confirm either story, which sucks. The only other suspect who was at the bar, Miranda Davis, left around 11:45, and was seen by the bartender. The thing is, she still could have murdered Kristen in that time, but considering she was just a college enemy I doubt it was her.
?The results for the fingerprints came through,? Diana said as she hurried into the room. ?They were very tough nuts to crack.?
?Well stop fiddling about and tell us then,? Henry said agitatedly.
?They belong to Damian Moore,? Diana replied. ?Albert Hews? bodyguard.?
?I guess the investigation?s pretty much over then,? I said. Most criminals are stupid. No matter what, there?s always some kind of evidence. At times, like today, you end up with enough probably cause to make an arrest before lunchtime. Usually we?re not that lucky. Within thirty minutes I was reading Miranda rights.
The Truths
The Chief is a man of his job. He spends more time with us than with his brothers and sisters. One of the things he does to keep us in shape legally is force us to attend a court case. The thing is none of us like it.
I decided to follow the NLA vs. Hews case for a few reasons. One would be that I?ll probably be called to the witness stand anyway. The other is that I don?t think this case will take long. So now I just get to sit back and watch the due process of law unfold.
Preliminary hearings are the worst of the courtroom affairs. You know because it?s the only part too boring for television. For the police officers it?s like a big review session.
In this case Moore was indicted for murder, and Hews was indicted with conspiracy to commit murder. Both are felonies. Both leave you pretty much screwed if you?re found guilty.
After the arraignment, both plead not guilty. The Judge seemed frustrated by this, and didn?t allow bail. The trial?s been set for two days from now. I guess she wants to get things over with too.
If there?s one thing you need to know about jury duty is to bring a sweater. Every government building I?ve ever been in has the air conditioning up too high.
My friend, David Lasolane, is the defense attorney in this case. The first witness he called to testify was actually Diana.
?Ms. Parker, how long did it take you to salvage enough of the fingerprints to run through the NLAPD database?? David questioned.
?Almost four and a half hours,? she answered.
?What took so long?? he asked.
?Aside from the fact of things like blood, there were some irregularities in the actual prints. Some of the lines in the fingerprints were missing, and one was mirrored,? she answered.
?Do you think the killer could have forged the prints?? he inquired.
?Objection!? the prosecution yelled. ?Your Honor, he?s leading the witness.?
?Overruled,? the judge answered.
?Yes,? Diana testified. ?I think it?s possible.?
?No further question,? David announced as he and the prosecuting lawyer switched places.
?You say that it?s possible to replicate finger prints, but do you think it?s likely this is the case,? the lawyer asked.
?Well, frankly, no,? she answered.
?Can you tell us why that is?? he asked.
?A process like that would be no easy feat. It would be very expensive, and the slightest mistake could mess up the whole thing,? she replied.
?Now ma?am, would you kindly tell us who would easily be able to afford a forging device; also having both motive and opportunity?? he pried.
?Objection!? Dave yelled.
?Sustained,? the judge replied.
One of the things that David has told me about being a lawyer is that what really happened is relatively unimportant. What really matters is what the jury thinks, and whatever the jury thinks, most people will go along with. That pretty much means a good lawyer can practically decide truth. That scares me.
David?s next move was to bring in Hannah Johnson: the sister who Hews had dumped. The age difference sickens me. She looks like she?s half his age.
?Ms. Johnson,? he began, ?Do you believe Mr. Hews wanted your sister dead??
?Of course,? she replied. ?He always hated her.?
?That I don?t doubt, but do you honestly think that he was the culprit?? he inquired.
After a pause she replied, ?No, but the shoe fits.?
?I never said it didn?t,? he said, ?But you can believe it was someone else.?
?Objection? the other lawyer shouted. ?That wasn?t a question.?
?Sustained,? the judge answered. ?Rephrase it in the form of a question Mr. Lasolane.?
?Can you believe Albert Hews didn?t kill your sister?? he asked.
She paused for a second then answered, ?Yes.?
?Do you believe Mr. Moore killed your sister?? he asked.
?Absolutely not!? she answered. ?Damian had a big heart. He would never kill Kristen.?
?So there is no way he could have killed her?? David clarified.
?Not at all,? she answered. ?He really liked her.?
?No further questions,? said David as he traded positions of power with the other lawyer.
?Ms. Johnson, what are Mr. Hews? passions?? the lawyer asked.
?Objection!? David snapped. ?Relevance??
?Your honor, I am going somewhere with this,? the lawyer said.
?Overruled, but get to the point Mr. Burgundy,? the judge said.
?Just answer the question,? he said quietly to the witness.
?The only one would be himself, but if you want specifics they?d be his career, his junk food, and his money,? she replied. ?Anything that made him feel good.?
?With your sister?s lawsuit Mr. Hews could have lost his money and his career,? he informed. ?Are you sure you don?t think Hews murdered your sister??
?Objection!? David shouted.
?Overruled!? the judge said sounding a bit annoyed.
?It makes sense either way!? the sister snapped. There was a slight, teary inflection in her voice.
?Alright,? the lawyer said. ?Just to clarify things, are you absolutely sure Mr. Moore would, under no circumstances, have killed Ms. Johnson??
?Of course not!? she fretted. ?I already told you he really liked her. He really liked her as in wanting to date her. I can?t see him killing her even to save his own skin!?
Catching a lawyer off guard must be one of the most satisfying things in the world. They supposedly go over the evidence dozens of times before they even see the witness. Most of the time the lawyer knows basically what the witness is going to say before they say it.
?No further questions,? the lawyer said with a face pinker than it was a second ago.
The rest of the case wasn?t as entertaining, but then again, the case wasn?t meant for entertainment. David brought in a few more witnesses like the bartender, Marcus Daily, and Hews? agent. The agent?s testimony I?m sure had a few jury members convinced, but it did last long. The other lawyer brought in a few quote unquote experts in the matters such as psychology and physical science.
At about six o?clock at night the lawyers gave their little closing statements and the jury went into the back room to have their discussion of conviction. We are now able to walk around and chit chat for the next month that the jury will take to make a decision. I guess I can?t complain. After all, some investigations go on for years.
?Do you think they?ll convict them?? I asked David.
?I don?t know,? he replied. ?It could go either way at this point, but, I don?t think the odds are in his favor.?
?Oh,? I responded. ?Do you think they did it??
?Does it matter?? he answered in question.
?I don?t know,? I answered. ?I guess it all depends on who?s asking.?
David stopped and thought for a second. ?I do think he did it. That?s why I don?t think he?s got a chance with the jury. If I don?t believe then why would they? I?m their lawyer for goodness sake! The jury probably read me like a book,? he agitated.
?You said it could go either way,? I reasoned.
?Yeah, well I lied,? he confessed. After a moment he apologized, saying, ?I?m sorry Rob, it?s just?I?m frustrated with the cases and my performances in them. I just feel like I?ve lost my edge.?
?Ah,? I replied. ?Well you don?t need to worry about a thing, you?ve lost nothing.?
He looked at me for a second with disbelief then smiled and thanked me. The judge came over and asked if she could speak with David. I let them, and she took both him and the other lawyer into another room.
Right about then a reporter I knew named Lauren Cassidy came up to me. She had a tattoo of a spider that hadn?t been there last I saw her. I didn?t like it, but I didn?t want to be rude. I simply said, ?Nice tattoo.?
?Oh thanks,? she said. ?It?s a temporary tattoo.?
?Wait, like one of the ones you put on with water?? I said in somewhat disbelief.
?No, it?s this new kind where all you have to do is press it on,? she answered. ?Same idea though. You can get custom ones at Stinging Tats on Forward Avenue.?
I was just opening my mouth to say something when we heard the announcement that the jury had reached a verdict. As I waded through the crowd of people, I wondered if I had made any mistakes. I wondered if we had gone too fast at the police station. I though a bit about how David had said the jury probably read him like a book, and I wonder if the jury read me and Diana. If they thought the case was rushed, Hews could be a free man any second.
?We find the defendant, Mr. Hews, on account of conspiracy to commit murder,? the foreperson read, ?Guilty.?
Scratch what I said about him being a free man any second.
?We find Damian Moore, on account of murder in the first degree,? the foreperson continued, ?Not guilty.?
It?s hard not to wonder what?s going to happen to Mr. Moore. His long time boss and friend was just convicted of murdering the woman he loved, and he probably believes it all. That?s the difference between me and him. I rarely believe anything anymore. I usually think things, but I rarely believe them.
The Commitment
Sentencing can be the best or worst part of a trial. It?s great for the prosecution and awful for the defense, but for the people observing it can be either. We?ve passed the climax and have reached the falling action. Everyone is about to go back to their everyday life, with the exception of us who are already living it. It was just as they began the session that it all was turned upside down for me. I finally put the pieces together when I saw the Stinging Tats logo on Marcus Daily?s jacket.
The next hour and a half was one of the longest in my life. Seeing an innocent man being given fifty years in prison is not satisfying to watch, especially if you know it?s partly your fault. Now I understand why Dave felt so bad about possible misrepresenting.
When sentencing was finally over I pulled Daily aside and asked him if he worked at Stinging Tats. When he said yes it only confirmed my suspicions.
The night Kristen Johnson was murdered Daily made sure it was at The White Sunflower, a bar where he knew the bartenders were generally more interested in gossiping with their friends than watching, or even preparing drinks for their customers. When Hews left, Daily wasted no time, and confessed to have stolen a few of her hard drives months earlier. She thought she might as well get them back seeing as they were just in a safe upstairs. She already though he was a bit crazy, and very tuned out of reality, so the fact that he was keeping a safe on the roof didn?t seem strange to her. He then, using a glove with temporary tattoos of Damian Moore?s fingerprints on his fingers, strangled her so she couldn?t scream when he threw her off the roof.
When I told the chief about it he didn?t believe me. He doesn?t want me pursuing the case anymore, but I still am. Even though lawyers define their own truth in their cases there is still a real truth that always lingers around. The real truth is what justice is defined by, and as long as we have crime it?s the right of the people to have justice. My name is Robert Jenkins, and my job is to find justice.
Okay it partly messed up when copying and pasting, but whatever.
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Sorry about that. I shouldn't have posted it.
Anything in particular that you'd like me to be looking for?
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I'm not proofreading it for you. I'm asking you to point out any problems you yourself see, anything at all, so I can see where you stand. And don't be sorry, just didn't see the post.
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I didn't edit it out, and it's like 10 feet long! lol
the main problem I guess I've been having is length. Most of my posts are on an average of five or less sentences.