Author Topic: Yo  (Read 676 times)

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Offline @Pokemon Master Red

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Yo
« on: January 24, 2010, 08:44:36 PM »
http://galacticempires.raylon.org/index.php?topic=381.msg3694#msg3694

Since I'd like to see how I could improve in retrospect to the same post, instead of feeling like I'll have to post something incredulously detailed in perspective toward getting the character all right and such, I'll just use the same sample.
Do you have what it takes to change your destiny, to defy FATE itself?
Let us test the limits of your abilities, and see if you have the WILL to do what no one else tries.

"TARGET VERIFIED-COMMENCING HOSTILITIES!"
-Nineball Seraph


 

-Credit to the magnificent UnStellar for the above two. May all his epicness remain eternally!

Offline Queen Bright

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Re: Yo
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2010, 09:15:20 PM »
Characterization is not how literate or crap you are. That post tells me nothing, except that you lack it.

*takes out teacher pointy stick*

Characterization is about having characters that a person can care for, want to read about, and that seem real in all aspects, even if the story they're in is fiction.
The thing you did wrong? We know NOTHING about your characters from that post. Even if it's just an excerpt, there should be something to base off of, some personality a person would start to see when analyzing that post.
There's nothing.

So then, first thing is first. Tell me what personality and emotions you were going for in that post.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2010, 09:18:42 PM by Hikaru The Great »

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Characters (In-Play):     Kurai Kuro  Rev  Gen  Rin    Hikari  Relle   Fido  Gwyn(Satya
Characters (Out of Play): 
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Territories:
Kotah & Ezael: Intergalactic Academy
Asura: Records of Time
Rev & Gen: City of Lus
 Gryphon Sages - Aurum

Offline @Pokemon Master Red

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Re: Yo
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2010, 09:42:26 PM »
Alright, then.

For Hiro, I was more going for his aloof-ness and stuff, and the fact that he's generally kind with his allies, like Sara.
With Sara, she's more unwilling to do stuff she doesn't want to; even if the people from the Citadel were to ask her help a million times, she wouldn't give them a bit of aid, since its not particuarly in her nature to help out in a battle she has nothing to do with.
For Keith and his Mechaniloids, however, they're different. When I made him, his entirity was supposed to have no personality, other than a desire to kill. This is because during one of his first Megamerges, he was infectted with a computer virus that shut down his Suffering Circuit; basically, he literally became a killing machine, just like his Mavericks. His entire being is devoted to the murder of humans, viewing mechanized 'life' as vastly superior.

Alright, I think thats it.
Do you have what it takes to change your destiny, to defy FATE itself?
Let us test the limits of your abilities, and see if you have the WILL to do what no one else tries.

"TARGET VERIFIED-COMMENCING HOSTILITIES!"
-Nineball Seraph


 

-Credit to the magnificent UnStellar for the above two. May all his epicness remain eternally!

Offline Queen Bright

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Re: Yo
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2010, 09:44:23 PM »
Give me the key words in your excerpt that you think define your characters, and how you played them. For example, if you were going for a tough personality, tell me the key actions or dialogue that tells us this.

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-------------
Characters (In-Play):     Kurai Kuro  Rev  Gen  Rin    Hikari  Relle   Fido  Gwyn(Satya
Characters (Out of Play): 
Races: Phoenix Sages  Gryphon Sages Unicorn Sages  Aetas
Territories:
Kotah & Ezael: Intergalactic Academy
Asura: Records of Time
Rev & Gen: City of Lus
 Gryphon Sages - Aurum

Offline @Pokemon Master Red

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Re: Yo
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2010, 10:08:04 PM »
Hmm...Well, since this DSi lacks both a tab function and a copy&paste function, I'll have to give you the parts, just not exact Im afraid.

The part where I mentioned Hiro going close to Mach-3(I think it was that...) would reflect how Hiro loves speed, while the part about him skidding and tripping, then landing on the pavement face-first reflects how he is also somewhat clumsy and inable to completely control his speed.
With Sara, Im not sure if I could find anything...If there was something, I may have overlooked it.
Keith wasn't there long enough to really get a decernable anything, though, he'd only arrived in the last paragraph, and I guess I failed to mention anything noteworthy about his non-existant personality. :/
Do you have what it takes to change your destiny, to defy FATE itself?
Let us test the limits of your abilities, and see if you have the WILL to do what no one else tries.

"TARGET VERIFIED-COMMENCING HOSTILITIES!"
-Nineball Seraph


 

-Credit to the magnificent UnStellar for the above two. May all his epicness remain eternally!

Offline @Pokemon Master Red

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Re: Yo
« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2010, 04:58:59 PM »
Hikaru-Sensei?
Mr. Hikaru?
Senor Hikaru?
Other-Languages'-Honorifics-Denoting-Teacher-Status-That-Im-Too-Lazy-To-Look-Up Hikaru? XD
Do you have what it takes to change your destiny, to defy FATE itself?
Let us test the limits of your abilities, and see if you have the WILL to do what no one else tries.

"TARGET VERIFIED-COMMENCING HOSTILITIES!"
-Nineball Seraph


 

-Credit to the magnificent UnStellar for the above two. May all his epicness remain eternally!

Offline Queen Bright

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Re: Yo
« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2010, 07:10:55 PM »
Patience, learn it.

Kinda good, but that's basic.
Paste their profiles here, now.

NerdTests.com says I'm a High Nerd.  Click here to take the Nerd Test, get geeky images and jokes, and write on the nerd forum!

-------------
Characters (In-Play):     Kurai Kuro  Rev  Gen  Rin    Hikari  Relle   Fido  Gwyn(Satya
Characters (Out of Play): 
Races: Phoenix Sages  Gryphon Sages Unicorn Sages  Aetas
Territories:
Kotah & Ezael: Intergalactic Academy
Asura: Records of Time
Rev & Gen: City of Lus
 Gryphon Sages - Aurum

Offline @Pokemon Master Red

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Re: Yo
« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2010, 07:22:23 PM »
Alright, then. ...Looking over Hiro's first application, I do now realize that when I posted it ever-so-long ago, I must have forgot the Personality field. Huh.

Name:Hiro Dark
Age:15
FMian name:Arcane
Fusion name:Darkman
Description of Hiro:Same skin color as Solo. Wears casual clothes, nothing fancy. Has a pitch-black hair color, with blue eyes.
Description of Arcane:Sort of a whatever-omegaxis-is-supossed-to-be, but instead of green, he is more of a dark-blackish color. Armor is a lighter color of him.
Description of Darkman:Helment is sort of like Megaman's, but it doesn't show his hair. The hand armor is the same as Bly's(Solo), but only the armored hand's(not the wave hand), and its on both sides. The feet are the standard kind. All of his armor is a really dark shade of gray, almost black, but not quite. He can also use the same kind of sword as Bly, but it isn't used much.
Life history:He is an unknown descendent of the lost continent of Mu, and at a time knew Solo. He came to the rest of the world after a while, and met up with Arcane, who was puzzled by the fact Hiro could see him. He deletes viruses and other FMians/Peons that are causing trouble with little mercy, but makes sure not to kill anyone. For the most part, he has no purpose, but he try's to help those in need when he can.

Sample post:
"Hey, Arcane, thats a Jammer over there, isn't it?"Hiro said, walking down the street. "Yeah, looks like it. C'mon, lets smash 'em." Arcane yelled, smileing at the chance to finally fight an opponent. Hiro then grinned."Three steps ahead of you, my friend.
EM Wave Change
Hiro Dark
On the air!"

Name:Keith

Age:20

FMian Name:Various Models, primary one Model C(Craft's Model, and only has this one currently)

Fusion Name:Usually Craft

Personality:At one point, was a very kind and caring person, but now cold, calculating, and wants to kill all.

Description of Human:Keith wears a black coat, kaki-style clothes, but are darker, a black hat, ect.

Description of FMian:Think Model Z, but with Craft's color scheme, without the fin-like object coming under, and the two triangular things at the purple part are longer. (might put the description for the other Models he has if you want me to when he gets them)

Description of Fusion:He looks like Craft(duh), but a more sleek version, without all the bulkiness.

Life History: Keith led a normal life. At least, until a giant piece of machinery fell into his house. There appeared to be a person in a cloak on the machinery, but he couldn't make heads or tails of how the person wasn't burned. He later found out that the 'person' was a robot! Not just any robot, though, this one was highly advanced. Instead of reporting it, he spent a few years trying to repair it. He only managed to salvage a very small part of it, but got its memory and data into there, using some hardware he bought. When he reactivated it, the machinery resonated and turned on, though only one light came on, making it impossible to know.. That was two weeks ago that he finished. Once turned back on, it spoke, asking why it wasn't in its body, which Keith honestly answered that was all he was able to salvage only those parts and his memories. Keith found he was able to take on the form it was originally in by fusing with it(which most of the repairs were guesswork, meaning he was lucky he even got the reploid online, luckier still that he was compatible enough to take on the regular form), and helped to fight what he knew as 'Mavericks'(since thats what Craft called them). However, a week after all this, the machinery came completely online, and infected him with a virus-before he deactivated the Megamerge(Craft had established a link back to the world he came from, but was only able to get information on what his new form was because of the distance). This virus deactivated his Suffering Circuit. It was the Maverick Virus. When he De-Megamerged, the virus was a part of him, but was no longer contagious. He then, under his new Maverick mind, continued to repair the machinery, this time with newfound knowledge of it, and also made Mechaniloids to do his bidding. Eventually, he made the machinery a part of Model W. He and Model C were now Mavericks, and with Model W there, he was determined to complete it and destroy humanity.


Sample Post:"There. I will need those for my Varients and Galleons. Megamerge:Model C." Keith, or 'Craft', then went and robbed the hardware store, killing all the civilians in the process. He was confronted by a sword fighting 'Reploid', or so he thought it was. "Move aside, reploid."
"Eh? Names Hiro, not reploid. Now, your going to EM jail before you kill more people, understood?"
"I warned you. Craft Cannon!" He said, firing the laser. He then got by Hiro, who'd dodged.
"What the-Get back here!"

Name:Sara Coal(second Sara not related to Hiro)

Age:16

EM Being Name(since a lot aren't FMians, I think that part should be changed):Legendary Wave Warrier Shades

Fusion Name:Scroll

Personality:
Sara-MUCH more sane than CE!Sara. On fact, she's quite shy, and unsure about being able to fulfill her role. However, when she merges with Shades, she gains a burst of heroicism and confidence.
Shades-Not much to speak of. Quite literally, he never talks. Ever. The only thing anyone knows about him is that he apparently really likes Sunglasses and has a possible obsession with afros. Sara can somehow understand his silence though, so she is the only still-living person who 'knows' him; its sort of like telepathy between them, though she verbally replies.

Description of Human:She wears Priestess robes, mainly because thats what she is. She is the alleged Hero of The Forgotten kingdom. Her hair is dark red, and she has bright red eyes.

Description of Wave:Shades only appears to be a small, small ball of energy wearing sunglasses identical from those on that guy with the blue hair and mega-shades on Tengun Toppa Gurren Laugn(or however its spelled). Occasionally, for reasons unknown, he gives off some of his immense energy to...grow an afro. Yes, an afro. Not even Sara knows why, but he grows an afro. He will also instantly grow one as soon as he sees anyone else with one at least three sizes bigger.

Description of Fusion:Scroll looks like Mia from Ace Attorney series, with long sleeves a lot like those worn by CC of Code Geass in shape, but stall made of the same material as the rest of her outfit. She uses razer-sharp scrolls to attack as well, hence the name.

Life History:Shades was among the first EM Waves to come to the planet. He went under the command of the Corrupted King, back then simply the King of All Waves in that section of space now called earth, although he was too proud to get help from a human and so didn't have too large a kingdom. Because his kingdom was small, he soon was forgotten, and other powerful EM Bodies came to what he called 'his' territory. Shades was still living under him at the time and watched his ruler grow more and more paranoid. He even lifted his palace into the heavens to protect it. He eventually went from a good but paranoid leader to a evil, brutal one, metamorphosing into the Corrupted King. Some believed the old king was still in there, but hope faded. Legend has it that Shades himself, formerly the King's second hand man, led the rebellion against King, his sunglasses as brilliant as ever, though he was the only one with any in existence. He pleaded with his King to remember what he was supposed to do-lead the new species of life known as humans to a bright future. However, King was planning on beginning a world conquest, to put everything under his control. Shades was forced to defeat his former friend and seal him within the only physical sign of his good:the Noise Crown he wore, it was the only thing un-corrupted. However, if anyone were to wear that Crown with something that contained a immense amount of Noise, well, he hoped they could control the power. Or else King would have a new body.
------
A few eons later, the exact descendant he prophesied from a single family(he stated a number, and has followed the family since) has been born-Sara Coal. She is compatible with him, meaning its probably no fluke-Shades was notorious for incompatibility with humans. She is among the last of their kind, and while she is nervous, she knows she must face him at some point. King will rise again. And as the time draws near, she fears she might not have what it takes. But she must try, no matter the odds, to break his corruption.

Sample Post:Sara saw Shades one day, and asked,"Are you sure its me?"
"I've counted the generations of your family. Your number 1,567,982. The exact."

Eh, for the history part of Sara's, that was for a mini plot of mine thats past by now. Other than to explain some stuff about them, it serves no real purpose.
And now I realize that I dont play Sara the way I imagined her at first. Huh.
Oh, yeah, before I forget, the last of them was posted July of '09, if it matters.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2010, 07:23:38 PM by Hiro Dark »
Do you have what it takes to change your destiny, to defy FATE itself?
Let us test the limits of your abilities, and see if you have the WILL to do what no one else tries.

"TARGET VERIFIED-COMMENCING HOSTILITIES!"
-Nineball Seraph


 

-Credit to the magnificent UnStellar for the above two. May all his epicness remain eternally!