I dreamed about him, all the time. I don't know where he came from and why I had the urge to find him, but I did. He was so familiar, but at the same time an extreme mystery. What had my attention the most was how absolutely gorgeous he was. He was too perfect.
Perfect eyes that were the color of darkened honey, maybe maple syrup in the sunlight, framed by thick and dark lashes. His nose was perfectly straight, no flaw or bump in the middle; his lips were full, like a cherub angel's, and freckles dotted along his cheeks, though they were faint. He had soft, creamy, ivory skin, maybe a little darker. He stood taller than me, like most guys do – 5'10. He had brood shoulders, arms that were nicely shaped and hands of a football players; the fingers were long and thin, handsome, though he had barely any nails. Maybe he chewed them? Maybe that was his flaw...but looked at them in my dreams, I realized that they just never grew, which was apparent because they stayed the same no matter what. Course...this was a dream...right?
But lately...the dreams have turned into nightmares, more or less. It became scary, menacing, and every time I woke up I was scared, alone, and very cold. Sometimes I would wake up screaming, even though the only thing I ever saw in those dreams was blackness...normally chasing after him, wondering why he looked so scared, so alone.
These dreams, they've been happening for months now, and I don't even know what instigated it. If I watch a horror movie I never have nightmares about it, and I would definitely know if any movie set this type of dream off. It was weird and of course it caused mental instability and eventually my mother took me to a doctor. This was embarrassing, because when they didn't find anything my mother insisted that they were wrong. She took me to fifty million doctors and they still never found anything.
In defeat my mother decided that we were going to move – to California. Of course it didn't matter to me any because I had begun to lose my friends as my mental state slowly fell apart; the only one with any ties to this place was her, and since it was her choice to get up and leave I assumed it no longer mattered, thus, I didn't need to try and convince her, right?
So here we were, on our way to the house my mother had already bought and had sent the movers over. They were unloading our stuff by the time we got there.
“Want to go around and see your school?†my mother asked, looking at me with her greenish-brown eyes as she waited for a response. She wouldn't even let me in the door, so I assume that meant I had to go. Even if I looked like shit. Which I did.
“Sure,†I mumbled in a slightly exasperated tone, eyeing her from beneath my bangs as she smiled. “Is it big?†I asked curiously. Back at home my school was tiny, which was depressing in many ways, but it didn't matter. That was all behind me now.
“Yes, actually. It's a lot larger than your old school.†she looked at me funny. “Why?â€
“Just curious.†I mumbled as I climbed into the passenger seat. I wasn't allowed to drive her car anymore because I was unstable, which didn't matter to me anyway. I didn't have a car back home and I didn't expect to have one now, either. I, however, took liberty in picking the radio station; my mother shared the same music taste as I did, but it was the screaming, depressed music that I was getting into now that made her pitch a fit.
“None of that metal music.†she said, once she spotted my arm reaching towards the radio as she got inside the driver's seat. “Okay?†she added.
“'Kay.†I sighed inwardly but managed to put up with the usual mainstream radio that she normally had one her number 2 preset.
We drove back out of the typical neighborhood – the one where he houses all look the same so when someone came by to visit they would already know where the bathroom and such are at and how to navigate their way through the house without having to ask, which was, in a way, creepy. I looked out the window, watching the cloned houses pass by, taking note to the fact that little kids were frequent here and were running amidst the sprinklers in their front lawn. Sighing, I ducked deeper into the seat when I spotted people around my age. Of course I wasn't low enough and they saw me, waved, but I never responded, like the outcast I am.
“Courtney, really.†my mother responded, as she had waved to the teenagers and noticed that I hadn't. She turned down the radio and looked at me while she turned the corner, heading into the busy traffic as she took me to see my “school†(read: hell). “You're going to have to meet them eventually. How about you go over after we visit the school?†she smiled at me, trying to push me into it, trying to get me to feel like their waves were an invitation when in reality, they probably weren't.
“I guess so.†I responded, looking out the window and avoiding her gaze.
“That's my girl.†she responded cheerily before turning the radio back up, drumming her hands on the steering wheel. I rolled my eyes internally before looking back out the window.
- - -
The school was huge. Looking at it from the car made me want to gag and suffocate myself with the airbag. It was ten times the size of the school I had back at home and this scared the bejesus out of me. That meant that there were more people, more class opportunities, and more ways to humiliate myself. My mother must have sense my discomfort because she rubbed my shoulder before leaving; I watched the towering building fade into the horizon as we headed back home, back where, I seemed to remember just then, that I was going to have to force myself into a party I was never invited to.
