Author Topic: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance  (Read 1552 times)

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Offline King Jeebus

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<For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« on: July 26, 2011, 05:35:58 PM »
ADMINISTRATIVE CHALLENGE
Put simply Hawk, I dont think I can put up with another <HOWEVER LONG YOUR PROBATION IS> of you bugging me and Hikaru and presumably the rest of the staff about your probation and rightly, you're not going to learn without us directly teaching you the lesson.
Plus where's the fun in having a system where you can get time added on but not taken off?
So. What is your challenge this one time?
Simple. Make a character.

BUT THERES A TWIST.
[/b]

This character has to appease myself and two other members of staff.(Likely me, K2 and Hikaru. You have to impress two out of three of us.)
 It is to be posted in here.
This character will not be let into the actual RP but I want you to make it as if it were.
This character can be as weak or as powerless as you wish.
This character has to be interesting. From the Bio alone I have to both think "I like this idea" and "This is not a tool".
If you succeed, 1 week will be knocked off of your probation timer.
If you fail however, 1 week will be added.

You may choose not to participate, I want you to confirm if you are or not in this topic before you attempt it.
I will give you no outside feedback.
This has to be entirely your work. Off of your head. If I hear anywhere that you have had any help with it or if it seems directly like anyone elses work to me you will gain two weeks on the timer.

You have 4 days from now to complete this challenge. If you accept the challenge and do not have anything in by the deadline it will be considered failed.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2011, 05:39:36 PM by King Jeebus »

Offline Zero

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2011, 05:46:36 PM »
I accept.

Offline Nisorin

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2011, 02:04:03 AM »
* Nisorin smacks his forehead

Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Seeing the world through a child's eyes is truly a unique experience. It helps you to retrieve that sense of awe, magic and wonder that you lost as you lost your innocence. Tell me, when was the last time that you thought of those childhood dreams? You know, the ones that you used to spend all your time wondering and fantasizing about? Have you forgotten them so easily? Have you forgotten what it felt like to see something for the first time, to see the magic in the mundane? Everyone says you should take the time to 'Stop and smell the roses'. But you should also take the time to look for the fairies, embrace the wind and enjoy the rain. Just once today, stop for a moment and look into that little piece of nature you pass everyday. Perhaps you may see something you did not notice before.

Offline Zero

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2011, 03:03:29 PM »
Vince Delosis
http://th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2011/003/f/7/sci_fi_armor_by_dralfaomega-d36byyl.jpg
Age:
Mid twenties. Perhaps about 21.
Gender:
Male
Race:
Genetic Experiment
Place Of Birth:
Memorial
OCCUPATION:
Raw recruit to the IG
Personality:
Like Silen, he has the raw determination and the never give up attitude to himself. As it is though he also has Katrina?s kindness and compassion which in battle translates to giving mercy to his enemies even though he would not want to. While he may tolerate most things, the one thing he cannot tolerate is people making fun of him. That tends to lead to violence. He also tends to joke around and not be very serious. Sometimes he is known to make food related puns in battle.

If he makes those, it is a sure-fire sign he has stopped holding back. Sometimes he is a bit reckless  he gets that from his mother's side. At other times he is serious and not the kind of guy you want to mess with, a trait acquired from his father's side.

Alliance:
IG
Biography:

One of the few children that have been made by genetic experiments to survive, Vince was raised by Silen and Katrina in secret and hidden from the various groups that would want to use him to blackmail or control either one of them and so he would be denied the same development a child would normally have. Instead he would be given an education and by age 10 would become a prodigy. Unknown to his parents however, he began to build things and had a skill with technology that was beyond theirs for some reason.

One of the very first things he invented was a device similar to the item Silen wore around his neck that gave him access to a pocket dimension of weapons, but the device was at the same time nothing like the one that was held by Silen as it had been made out of mortal and mundane materials. As he grew, they enrolled him in the gym and in classes at the schools in various martial arts and magic, even though he was a natural with the latter and not so much with the prior. His teachers were shocked with the sheer amount of power he had.

By the time he was 15, he had mastered most battle field magic abilities to a degree but was not done yet, by a long shot for he would need specialized training. And that training was something he would receive in earnest, although not from the source he had originally hoped would train him. Instead he was taken by Jonathan and taught how to fight and how to win so that he would one day survive. Having an interest in the arts however, his magic tends to be more artistic than that of others, it is both beautiful and dangerous. Life would continue, and by age 16 he had passed the training that Jonathan had given him learning how to do his own spells, and becoming even more creative with the arts.

Year 17 of his life was spent learning music. Going to the prestigious Baseline academy for musicians that the Narrikians had, he enrolled. The courses would take time, time which he did not have. For during that year the Anrufe would launch their infamous Assassin attack which resulted in the death of many of his teachers and friends. So he would have to go to a different school and so he did. The next best school was attended by him and he managed to get himself involved in that school so he could get some money for himself.

By age 18 he had come to the conclusion that he needed to do something with his life. One day while he was walking through a cemetery and watching them bury the bodies of those who had died due to the recent activities of enemies to the Narrikian empire, he came up with a plan. A plan on what he would do with his life to be exact and so he began to enact it by training himself even more, even inventing his own brand of spells for his own use.

At 19, he heard the news that his father Silen would be called back into active duty once more. Not wanting that to happen instead he offered himself to the ones who had arrived to draft his father back into active IG service once again and they accepted and so he was taken instead. The first mission he went on was that of a diplomat to the planet Fioa and he was quick to get an alliance with the king of the planet, Psiko Strand.

The testing and training would continue through his 20th year, and he did not have time to celebrate. For news leaked to him that his mother was being sent to see to the problem that had arisen due to the one known as Kurai and so he would be sent to keep an eye on his mother and to keep her, and the former emperor Ken Atlas safe from harm. Eventually he would catch the eye of the Templars, but would turn them down. That kind of power was not something he wanted to meddle or even think of messing with.

Life still went on, and when he became 21 he began to learn things that he never had before about himself. Namely he was one of the few genetic experiments to survive being born actually and live to this age. So he did research and attempted to learn what the cause of death of his fellow genetic experiments was.

But so far his research has not led to much information being had by him. As no information existed in his time period he did research. Besides the Templars or Asura, there was one way to go back in time and that was a relic that had existed for a long time. Unfortunately it would be a one way transmission, and so he would have to resign himself to existing in the same time period as his parents. Finding the time portal that had been invented by the Twillight Empire, he utilized that once he repaired and understood enough about it?s mechanics to go back in time. Now he is back in this time zone, with knowledge of the future and plans to see what it was like in this time period.




Weapons:
http://www.swordssource.com/userfiles/image/medieval%201.jpg A single sword that has the technologies that are made by him incorporated into it, the blade can change into various weapons and also has the ability to be like a powered weapon and the blade can even retract. The blade also has numerous enchantments that have been crafted by him onto it.

Cooking supplies enchanted.


Magic Level:
Speaking of his magic level, he is very powerful but as of yet does not have much skill in using his unique brand of magic. Power wise, he would be at a 6, but usage wise he would be at a 5 or a 4 all things considered. So far he has yet to learn how to use his unique brand in combat, but he is more powerful with summoning/conjuring types of magic. Since he did not accept the power the Templars offered, he is not able to use time based spells at all, not even to view time.

However unlike normal mages, he does have a specialty of sorts that has proven to be beneficial to him as when he cooks, some of his magic enters the food and makes it more healthy or more destructive depending on his desires at the time.


Fears:
Loss of his family
Having to kill
Being killed before he learns enough about his history

Interests:
1. Art
2. Music
3. Cullinary/Cooking
4. Magic
5. Martial Arts
6. Becoming a mentor
7. Technology
8. Science
9. Music
10. Liteature. (He likes to write books)

Aspirations:
1. Become a famous author
2. Learn more about music, and become an expert.
3. Invent healthy, but useful recipes.
4. Make sure none of the threats that have already been destroyed EVER come back.
5. Eventually settle down and raise a family
6. When he becomes old, train others to use his abilities and retire.
7. Write his memoirs so his grandkids will if he has any learn about what happened during his life.

ORIENTATION:
Straight
RELATIONSHIP/MARITIAL STATUS:
Single
OTHER:
He has a small inventory, mostly consisting of cooking utensils, blank journey books and a whet stone to sharpen his sword with. He also has his father's medallion around his neck, but he removed the magic from it.

Offline Queen Bright

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2011, 03:36:06 PM »
Hawk, it's the same recycled stuff as always. What makes it so?

Weapon Stashes/Pocket Dimensions/Some Ancient Storage.
You have done this time and time again, it's in almost every other request of yours. It's always some kind of storage or pocket dimension of weapons, books, and such, making it where you don't have to put any effort into having things to fight with or read up on. This is...  well I wouldn't call it against the rules, but in a game, I would call it cheating. It's making things too easy for your character. Storage or pocket dimensions are fine for carrying things through spatial distortion. But the "So and so has a weapons stash or found an ancient storage," has got to go. NO ONE gets things this easy. If anything, some ancient stash would have been broken into, or wore out with time, or something. If it didn't,  then one character is understandable. But every other character or race you make? It's carbon copied.

And on the note of weapons stashes. Weapons do not make a character. They are a tool for a character to use, it is not what makes them strong or who they are. It is the skill and learning with such weapon that helps them in battle, but it still is not everything they are. Why do you always insist on having every kind of weapon ever made and relying on them every damn character request? If it's not weapons it's armor. If it' snot armor, it's magic books. Carrying your own books and collection of things is one thing, having a stash full of everything in the universe, is another, and it needs to stop. It's making your requests look pathetic and at the same time stunting your characters.

You give everything to your characters in bio. You prepare them when they're first made. Then you wonder why we deny you higher level things. It's because you leave no room for your characters to grow. You give them no challenge. You have them as cardboard cutouts in the very first conception or idea of them. There is no place for character development, because you leave nothing to develop!

On the note of level 6s as you made this guy. Most level 6 characters have been in the RP IC for ages, meaning they've developed over the course of the years in-character, and out of character, they have earned that level through years of training. But NOT just backstory thrown in a profile training. Real IC training that took months OOC. They were developed to that point.
K2s and I's characters went from the point to being barely able to use common magic, though talented, to what they are now through DEVELOPMENT. We played those characters, we worked with them, wrote out their stories, and made them earn the place they have now, only referring to the 'easy ways of backstory,' in what really happened. Any training was a timeskip, but it was all IC.

THAT'S how you get a level 6. If not through that way, they must start out with the power, but not the way you're doing it. An example would be embodiments. Or a construct that has been created to be that, (not an experiment,) look at Jeebus's character Freya for example, she was created to be a level 6, but with the material to do so, spirits and magic of thousands.You don't get level 6 just because 'so and so has trained all their life and was born a prodigy,' that is called a mary sue/gary stue, and is one of the things frowned upon by most roleplayers.

And on the Mary Sue note, all of your characters are flawless. ALL you do is put nonstop "So and so can do this, this, this, this, this. Has this, and this, and this. Oh and they are a prodigy." The worst flaws I've seen you put is maybe a mental disorder, or some thing thrown in that doesn't even make sense. Your characters may be magic, but they are still people. They should not be PERFECT in every way. They should not be the most strongest, the most beautiful, the most powerful, graceful, and have the best personality in all the land. We aren't writing Disney here, and hell, even Disney characters had flaws and problems.

And if you use disorders as flaws, for gods sakes, PLEASE research the disorder you are going to use and how it really affects a person. Not just disorders, you shouldn't use anything without researching.  You shouldn't throw in a disorder, murder of the parents, your character raped, or any of those typical plot points without knowing what you're writing. Do you know how disorders affect people, and how they act? Do you know what murder or rape does to the psych, and what it would cause the person later in life and even in the moment?

Example, you put in your character didn't get brought up a normal childhood. Detail it! How different? Was he friendless? Was he moved around a lot? What were his thoughts on this? What did this later give him motive of? You just skipped it and said he had an education. What kind of education, how? What did he think of all this happening? You need to dig further into your character and see why you're writing this background for them, how it will bring them to who the are today, and not just use it as a mere backstory to get something powerful approved. Otherwise, it is a tool, it is a crashdummy, and it won't be approved.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2011, 03:37:32 PM by Magister Hikaru »

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Offline K2

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2011, 03:40:13 PM »
This character is indeed a marysue, but I'm willing to give you another shot if the others are. After you make your character, but before you post it here, please fill out this:

http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

If your character is a marysue, do not post it and start over.

Thanks.

Offline King Jeebus

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2011, 03:53:49 PM »
I agree perfectly with what K2 and Hik have said Hawk.
This character is uninteresting and seems exactly like all your others.
You seem to have nothing but 'perfect' characters. Characters who have had brilliant and perfect lives and are unaffected by anything in their past.
You also somehow seemed to make your character both in-depth and not in-depth at the exact same time.
Less can very well be more. We don't need to know everything he ever did, just the important parts that you go into a lot of detail on.

This character bores the living fuck out of me.

While I sorely do not want to; You will be given another chance. This is your final chance.
What I also want you to do is write a paragraph at the bottom of the post in character as this character.
Any setting, it just has to be a post that shows clear characterization.

Offline Zero

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #7 on: August 01, 2011, 06:15:20 PM »
Progress Update

All but the bio is finished.

Offline K2

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #8 on: August 01, 2011, 06:19:39 PM »
You have till midnight tonight, Pacific Standard Time.

Offline Zero

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #9 on: August 01, 2011, 06:26:42 PM »
Vince Delosis
http://th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2011/003/f/7/sci_fi_armor_by_dralfaomega-d36byyl.jpg
Age:
Appearance-21
Actual  6 months to 1 year.
Gender:
Male
Race:
Genetic Experiment
Place Of Birth:
A lab hidden somewhere in the galaxy.
OCCUPATION:
Raw recruit to the IG
Personality:

Beneath his cold and calm fa?ade that he normally projects all the time Vince is actually not that bad of a person. Although he is prone to excessive violence against those who would repeatedly harass other people, law enforcement included he does not actually have many flaws. One of his vices however is that he can never resist a good wine as if it is one of his flaws that has stuck with him for most of his life actually.

Another thing about him is that he is protective of his friends. Well some might consider it overprotective from the way he acts around his friends. What this means is that he will do whatever it takes short of killing himself to defend his friends and allies. And often he pushes himself beyond his limits when his allies are in danger. However he is easy to rile up. Insult him about his hygiene, wardrobe or say that his family was a bunch of morons and you have loosed a monster in the city. When he gets mad stuff really hits the fan as he is unable to be reasoned with. Don?t get him mad if you value your life. One of the things that irks him the most is when people keep asking him stupid questions or ask him for combat lessons after he has refused to teach them.


Further he is zealous when he sets his mind to accomplishing a task. This means that no matter what the odds are against success he will try to find a way to win. Not that he is always successful but he tries to keep positive in most situations. Normally he seems cold and calculating but this is because he is always thinking, formulating strategies to win. For friends he seems warmer and more caring but it is part of the illusion he is trying to maintain. Also he has a love of training himself and pushing himself past his limits. His belief is that if you push yourself beyond your limits you can completely redefine who you prove to be. Such is his motto and thus that is why he spends 5 hours a day training himself with blades, martial arts and his powers so that he can get to know himself better.

As he never knows where his next meal might come from Sirius has learned to be content with most foods. This means that he has forced himself to learn to like almost any foods. Though he does still not have a taste for pickles he would eat whatever it takes if it was the only food he had at his disposal. Still he does not like being mocked or harassed much. Although he will tolerate in certain cases since he does not want to go to prison for putting people in the hospital for their actions against him. His mind set is one of determination.



 

Alliance:
IG

Biography:
Born on a world where the sun is always up, and it is not night time Vince is one of the genetic experiments to be blessedly raised off world. One good thing that came about it was that he was able to mingle with other genetic experiments more, and so he made friends. Giddy at the possibilities, he continued on making friends and allies among the genetic experiments. Even those who were to watch him had to admit he was a good charismatic individual.

His passion for life, and exploration would lead him to try a wide variety of things by age 7. While at first it did not seem like he loved cooking, he would eventually give it another shot and learn that one of his hobbies would indeed be cooking. For when he cooked he seemed to be more relaxed than at any other time. Scientists tried to analyze the events that occurred when he cooked. His parents were very lax about the supervision and while he got burnt and upset a lot during his cooking, still he continued not dissuaded because the rewards were well worth the risk.

So he continued and studied hard the recipe books that he managed to obtain from the scientists, and new recipes were quickly made by him using more modern ingredients and tools he was able to make do with less than the original ingredients. As he cooked, he learned about the other abilities he possessed including his magic.  But he had been created for a different reason than to be a chef, for you see the Narrikians grew tired of the bloodshed their people went through.

During his creation, but he would not be aware of this he had been infused with samples of DNA from other races during his engineering rather than the normal DNA the genetic experiments had, he would have different DNA coursing through his veins along with a different kind of blood. Such did not make him looked down upon, and he remained blissfully ignorant. The scientists wanted him to remain out of the loop as relates whose DNA they had put inside of him. 

Eventually he would learn however of the DNA they had put inside him being part of one of the most villainous people in the shattered plane, Assassin. Only he did not let it get him down but for a time would enter into a period of isolation where he contemplated matters, including his lot in life.  Towards the end of that period he made a decision. Genetics would not shape him, but his choices in life would be what shaped him. And once he made that decision, he was recruited by the IG.





Weapons:
http://www.swordssource.com/userfiles/image/medieval%201.jpg A single sword that has the technologies that are made by him incorporated into it, the blade can change into various weapons and also has the ability to be like a powered weapon and the blade can even retract. The blade also has numerous enchantments that have been crafted by him onto it.

Cooking supplies enchanted.


Magic Level:
Speaking of his magic level, he is very powerful but as of yet does not have much skill in using his unique brand of magic. Power wise, he would be at a 6, but usage wise he would be at a 5 or a 4 all things considered. So far he has yet to learn how to use his unique brand in combat, but he is more powerful with summoning/conjuring types of magic.  Conjuring/summoning magic is one of his specialties but he can perform other types of magic as well.


Fears:
Loss of his family
Having to kill
Being killed before he learns enough about his history

Interests:
1. Art
2. Music
3. Cullinary/Cooking
4. Magic
5. Martial Arts
6. Becoming a mentor
7. Technology
8. Science
9. Music
10. Liteature. (He likes to write books)

Aspirations:
1. Become a famous author
2. Learn more about music, and become an expert.
3. Invent healthy, but useful recipes.
4. Make sure none of the threats that have already been destroyed EVER come back.
5. Eventually settle down and raise a family
6. When he becomes old, train others to use his abilities and retire.
7. Write his memoirs so his grandkids will if he has any learn about what happened during his life.

ORIENTATION:
Straight
RELATIONSHIP/MARITIAL STATUS:
Single
OTHER:
He has a small inventory, mostly consisting of cooking utensils, blank journey books and a whet stone to sharpen his sword with.
« Last Edit: August 01, 2011, 06:47:41 PM by Zero »

Offline Queen Bright

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #10 on: August 02, 2011, 12:37:50 PM »
The level thing makes no sense. Once again, there's nothing in the profile that backs up that high level of a power or lets the character deserve it.

In terms of the character themselves... Congrats, you made a non-crash dummy character and passed. BUT, the character is boring. There's nothing that sets him apart from others. Sure, he's got culinary skills, and some flaws now. But how does this benefit or set him back? With the angle you went it makes him seem more like a background, secondary, or NPC character.

I don't mean to make him a stereotype like a hero or something. But what is his place in a story? What is there to grab the readers attention and let them care about this character? Right now, if I were to read this character in a story I would mostly skim his parts and assume he would be killed off in the next chapter or something. It's not a character that seems... er, real.

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Offline K2

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #11 on: August 02, 2011, 01:53:21 PM »
I say take off two days.

Offline King Jeebus

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Re: <For Hawk> Let's Give You A Fighting Chance
« Reply #12 on: August 02, 2011, 02:05:17 PM »
I disagree with Hikaru that he doesn't seem real. I know plenty of boring people who had interesting backgrounds.
I believe your problem remains very much there in that you create characters no one cares about HOWEVER this character actually seems like you've put effort into him.
While I did specify that I wanted the character to be interesting you clearly did try on this one so...

CHALLENGE PARTIALLY COMPLETED

You have lost three days of probation.

Well done :)